Animals everywhere

So the first time I questioned – I mean seriously questioned – if I wasn’t just ‘clinically depressed’ but actually something else was going on, I suddenly found myself sitting on a park bench about a mile from my house. To this day I have absolutely no recollection of leaving my house, or how I got there. The ‘why’ is an even bigger mystery. Drink? One can of beer about an hour earlier. Drugs? Nope. Not even legal ones. 

Looking around in a complete bewilderment, I wouldn’t have even described my state as panicked or anxious. I was just confused. A man with a dog walked past. Then a woman holding a cat. Looking further, there was a cat swinging gently in the breeze, from the top of a tree. Focusing again I saw a man with a briefcase, a woman with a shoulder bag and a plastic bag caught up in the tree. There were no animals. The emptiness and loneliness was crushing. I was afraid to trust my own eyes, my own thoughts and I felt utterly alone. The animals had been some comfort to me, not even companions as they were a way away, but somehow they felt so rooted in nature, in reality, in calm. When they ‘disappeared’ I was no longer at peace. 

Months later I recalled the time that I had taken steroids for a medical reason some years ago, and drank some wine whilst having a meal in a restaurant with my ex. I had been absolutely convinced that a ginger cat walked across the restaurant. And that was before my world was turned upside down. 

I can’t explain my penchant for seeing animals, but it does seem to happen under stress or the influence of substances, and it brings me peace in the moments before reality beckons. 


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s