When does it end?

When my ex-husband first left me, I fought with everything I had to survive. I read something in the beginning that said it takes half the length of your relationship to get over someone. I thought this was ridiculous and there was no way I was going to allow this to happen to me. 

It’s been almost 4 years now. We were together 11 years in total. I stopped loving, missing and needing him in those first few months. I stopped thinking about him in the first year. Since the divorce and my reversion to my maiden name, I’ve only had communication with him twice via email, on matters relating to mopping up the practical side of 11 years. But the ordeal is not over for me yet. 

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for over two years. So why is it even now I wake up and believe – truly believe – that the man laying next to me is my ex about to desert me? He couldn’t be more different, physically, emotionally and in the way he loves and cares about me, and has done so much to help me mentally. 

I see scary, contorted skulls. If you’ve seen the Lord of the Rings, it’s like when Galadriel tests herself and appears to be this terrifying skeletal darkness. First thing in the morning, or in the middle of the night, I’ll often see my boyfriend’s face as a twisted dark skull. Anyone who truly knows him, knows absolutely that he is the most kind, loving and caring man. He cares about me more than I realised anyone could care about another, outside of myself. He’s been so patient and supportive and is genuinely helping me to practically and emotionally fight my darkness. It’s the first time in my life I’ve felt truly worth it. He’s made me feel that way. He’s had to work so hard these past two years. I’ve made it so difficult for him. Before the fluoxetine I did and said some awful things. He could see I wasn’t well and stuck by me. 

So why is it I still see terrifying skulls, dark eye sockets and twisted features, existing only in my imagination but feeling as real as the air I breathe? Two of my previous counsellors said they believed I had been emotionally abused by my ex. I don’t know, but sometimes my brain creates false images that provoke the deepest feelings in me. Or perhaps my feelings provoke those images. The truth is, I live a daily struggle with deep fear of abandonment, loneliness and the anxiety of being found out for the fraud I am. 

If I had written this blog two or three years ago it would read differently, more erratically. That’s another story, but I’m the most stable I’ve been in nearly 4 years now, and I can see I’m starting to get better. There is no quick fix. You simply have to live every part of it. 

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