Impulsivity

I would describe myself as impulsive. It wasn’t a word that occurred to me until more recently, but now I understand why I say things without thinking, why I do things like lying down in the middle of the kitchen floor, like buying something I don’t particularly like for no reason, for the more extreme choices I’ve made without consideration (or maybe awareness but not caring) about the consequences. 

Today my boyfriend and I ended up having a strange row because we were sitting and relaxing, having a day off, but my mood had been down all day and it was a carefully controlled balance to keep things ok. For whatever reason I suddenly got up and started hoovering the room. Of course it sounds ridiculous, but I was doing it in the dark, there were things everywhere and he was trying to sit quietly. I just wanted to hoover. It sounds pretty ridiculous and faintly hilarious when I write it down. I took everything he said as criticism. I didn’t care if it was going to be a poor job, I just wanted to hoover. 

He’s a good man. He’s patient with me when it erupts into chaos because I feel attacked and my impulse has been interrupted. Much tears, understanding and quietly sitting soon brought calm to the situation. 

Is it an obsessive type thing? I really don’t know. But at the end of whatever it is I normally feel satisfied, with a sense of (false) achievement. Overall I would suggest I’m fairly lucky that some sense of conscience and willingness to survive hasn’t got me in too many scrapes thus far. But like everyone, there’s things I’d rather forget. I can’t blame being impulsive, because in the end, it’s my choices. But I honestly feel compelled to follow whatever these things are to the bitter end (that message must be sent, that item must be bought). If interrupted it brings my mood into a chaotic spiral. 

Strange when you write things down. It all seems a bit clearer, even if it is as clear as mud.

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