It was a real battle to post that previous message. It feels like I’ve committed now. I’ve actually written down in words one of the many things that haunts me and needs to be kept buried in order to maintain my carefully constructed outward appearance to the world.
My ex and my current boyfriend have seen me at my worst. But that’s behind closed doors. My sister has an idea of some of the demons I face, and has been incredibly supportive, especially during the breakdown of my marriage. I leaned on her a lot, and though I hate myself for that, I really needed it.
After the 14-year-old incident, the front has only faltered a couple of times. Once, I was so overwhelmed I went off sick and quit a job within a few weeks of starting. It was absolutely the right thing for me to do at the time, and led to getting some help, but I am bitterly ashamed at letting myself and everyone down.
I’ve never been diagnosed with any mental health illness. I’ll talk about my struggles to get through to health professionals in a separate post. But I consider that whatever my brain is doing, whatever label I may or may not be able to have placed on me, no matter what illness I suffer from, or none at all, I’m a high functioning one of them. Somehow I’m that stubborn that even when being awake is a struggle I’ve kept going. I believe fear of shame is the only thing that keeps me in a relatively ‘normal’ state within society. It’s hard to admit shame is what keeps me going, but I’m afraid to let go of that shame lest I lose all my control and do whatever the hell I want. I know me well enough to know I certainly couldn’t hold down a job, a home or a relationship, and indeed if it wasn’t for my sister I would have found out what happens when I let go.
Her golden rule: “never do anything you wouldn’t be able to tell me about”.
I’ve kept it about 95%. It’s enough. You’re truly my hero. Thank you, I love you.