I keep hearing this song on the radio. I dislike the idea that I would somehow be grateful that my ex ‘made me what I am’. He changed my life when he met me and certainly changed my life again when he left me. But he would never get my thanks: he is a coward.
I loved him deeply, I was utterly in love with him, I was going to grow old with him and do all the things that people in love do. But I gave him all I had, and he took it. We are both equally to blame in that respect. He will always be a coward to me because he waited until he found the arms of another woman before he admitted the truth that it was over for him.
I was with him for 11 years, naively believing it would be forever. But it wasn’t. It’s been almost four years. It took more than a year for the divorce and name change to finalise. He still haunts my thoughts, unexpectedly, when I’m least prepared to deal with it.
I still care about him. Not in that I really care what he’s doing, or what he thinks of me.. it’s something else. Maybe it’s just the memories and knowing that I gave so much of myself to someone. It’s hard to accept that for all that effort and life, I’ve barely seen or contacted him since. It feels like the biggest failure of my life. Yet through failure comes new beginnings.
The harder life is, the sweeter the rewards when it is good. I finally learnt what it meant to stop planning and obsessing (oh don’t get me wrong, it’s a battle), and to actually just savour those little moments. So now, if I want to watch the birds and feel the sun on my face, I will. If I want to cuddle a soft toy, I will. If I want to sit in the weirdest place in the house and babble to myself for an hour, I will. I feel so comforted and free in those moments. With my ex, I lived a very restricted life with an incredibly strict reign on displaying my emotions. It’s no surprise I struggle constantly with my emotions. But through my own hard work, and the incredible patience of my boyfriend, I’m now more free to display those emotions without fear of repercussions. I’m more me. I’m more pleasant to live with. I’m enjoying my life so much more.
Shout out to my ex? No.
Shout out to my boyfriend and all those who care about me and are still in my life.
Shout out to me. I didn’t give up.